That pull on my heart, it’s there again. It continues to come back or does it ever really leave? Lately, I’ve felt led in directions I never thought about before. I’ve been confused and I know that only comes from the evil one but every time I’ve started to see clearing to spend more time with Him, I’ve been distracted by someone or something, the next great idea in my book of great ideas. I think I’m supposed to do this or that, write for Him, read His word more, spend time with Him, all when things slow down next month (does anyone know which month that is on the calendar yet?) but then something else would come along to fill that time. I just wish whatever it is that God would knock me over the head with it, kick my butt with it, rip it out of my hands, whatever it takes. I want to know what I’m supposed to be when I grow up! I want a peace in my soul.
This feeling I’m describing has been stronger than ever the last few weeks and I’ve chalked it up to the new year coming. We’re all going to be our best selves on January 1st, right? Only to realize we’re still us on January 4th, or in my case, around 9 p.m. on January 2nd.
Last week, in my constant quest to find something I’d lost, which by the way is on my list of resolutions for the 18th year in a row, not to spend so much time looking for stuff I’ve lost… oops, got distracted again. Anyway, I was looking for something which I never did find and I came across a book buried in a box of stuff, a book I thought I’d read before. Side note, sometimes not having a great memory has perks, you can read a book more than once and each time is like the first. I picked this one up and it yelled READ ME. I put it back down, again thinking I’d read it before, but I kept coming across it because I kept scouring that darn box. Finally I took it and tucked it away for later.
When I went to bed that night, I intentionally set out to read it. I say intentionally because I usually can’t read at night because I’ll fall asleep. Quite frankly (and embarrassingly) I like to fall asleep watching cooking shows on TV….. cough, cough… yes, cooking shows . Okay, maybe I’ll wake up on Cupcake Wars or in Ree Drummond’s kitchen as her assistant but if not, maybe I’ll dream about it. But last night, I left the TV off and read this by Lysa TerKeurst, one of my favorite authors ever:
“You don’t need perfect circumstances to be a woman who says yes to God. You don’t need the perfect religious attitude or all the answers to religious questions. You simply have to surrender all that’s clamoring for attention in your heart with the answer God is longing to hear spill from your lips, “Yes, God.”
This bears repeating for me: “You simply have to surrender all that’s clamoring for attention in your heart…” OMG, there’s that knock in the head I asked for! So much clamoring for our attention, for my attention, the next great idea, the next great project, that client who has to have something yesterday because they forgot that Christmas was coming in 2017 or that their child was graduating although they were born 18 years ago. Yes, I absolutely do love them with every piece of my heart but ……distractions clamoring, do they ever stop? The simple truth is no. Can I control them? Sort of-maybe-kind of-not likely- but it’s possible.
Over the next few weeks, I declare I’m going to try to be still more, kick some distractions to the curb, stop letting other people’s emergencies cause me panic, start putting those things and people who don’t restore my soul on the back burner for just a little while, I’ve no doubt I’ll visit, and take a trip on the road that leads me to the Yes land, the land promised if we do say yes. I have no doubt it will have detours, maps upside down, a GPS lady that speaks another language, potholes and probably a few flat tires, but this trip is calling me and I’ve got to go. Anyone want to come with me?
p.s. I never did find what I was looking for…. maybe in 2019
Taken on my trip with Daddy in 2017, the train from Silverton to Durango, more magnificent than I can describe. I shot this from the window as we crossed the river and it took my breath… reminds me of the feeling we get when we take a leap of faith.