Moments with Mama…. are moving back to the country. We moved Mama into memory care about three weeks ago and yesterday, Daddy brought her back home. Many of you have asked about her and Daddy and it means so much. Daddy brought her back home yesterday, his heart was broken leaving her in memory care, he did not feel it was time. It was a learning experience for us all and while there were days she did so well, there were days that were almost unbearable to leave her. I tried hard not to feel guilty, I want what is best for her and for Daddy, Mitch and I both do, but yet I won’t deny, there were days that were so hard. But she walked back into her home yesterday as if she’d been out picking up the sticks in the yard, one of her favorite things, not as if she’d been gone three weeks. We don’t know what this next phase will be but it’s coming whether we’re ready or not.
These dark corners in my mind keep expanding, trying so hard to consume the light.
But even in the darkest dark, these glimmers still come and go, glimmers of light like riding through a tunnel with windows, glimmers of images, of familiarity.
I am confused why they do not stay.
So many faces that I should know… why don’t I? I don’t understand.
People who act like they know me, who say they are my friends. They are kind, I am kind, but do I know them?
The darkness seems to cover them in some way, fades into their faces so I can barely see them. I am confused.
On some days, I see a glimmer, one that shows me the man’s face who is so familiar, the one who says he is my son. I am confused.
I know Mitch, the man I raised, the good boy, but is this him? I should know my own son, why don’t I?
This man comes into the light and he does look like my boy but then the glimmer fades and I don’t see him anymore. I want the glimmer back. I love my son.
I see Tracey, sometimes I see Tracey. I know my daughter too, don’t I?
This woman who says she is my daughter, my baby girl, she changes with each glimmer, but I think I know her. I know I do sometimes.
I am confused why she does not stay, why the woman says she is her, but she’s different than the day before. I am thankful when I see the glimmers that contain her.
My comfort lies in the one glimmer that remains constant, I cling to it, I trust it to lead me through the dark corners and pray it stays as the remaining light completely fades.
Bobby is my rock, he remains in the light.
I am confused why he feels he needs to take care of me.
Am I okay? Is there something wrong they’re not telling me?
I am confused.
I cling to the glimmers and pray they never go away, they’re all I have…
please don’t let them go away.